Four pubs a day across our nation face bolted doors and liquidation
Conversion to accomodation, demolition, delapidation
Now please, a brief reiteration to ensure full comprehension
1-2-3-4...
Four pubs a day are closing down
But no-one cares or casts a frown
We pop to Tescos for newky brown
We go to weatherspoons in town
2 -4-1 factories get us pissed for ten pounds
While a real pub shuts without a sound



I don't want brushed zinc and aluminium

I want hundreds of years of great british tradition

Want it oaky and smoky with horse brasses, darts
Wizened old men that were born round these parts
Smiling barmaids willing and able
Kids in the garden and pool on the table
Sunday roast roasted not ping in the bag
Somewhere to sit for a pint and a fag

These are the things they are taking from us
with their bans and their taxes and their euro-fuss
The tavern, the inn, the english pub
And here's what gets me, here's the rub,
These politicians fill our lugs
With talk of Englishness and such
Tests for immigrants inbound
While four pubs close cos of the smoking ban?

Here's their England in these four walls
Yet they seem intent on its demise and fall
So hear me punters one and all
Feel my anger and heed my call
We must fight for our heritage, for our boozers fair
We must fight for the swan and the duck and the bear
We must fight because they're ours and no-one else cares
So put your hand in your pocket, the bars over there.

There is a bloke in this old town,
you might know him - Tk - he gets around,
Now Tk's lovely, a heart of gold,
wouldn't hurt a fly be it young or old
But allow me, if I can be so bold,
to outline his downside if the truth be told
Behind his innocent young lips
there's a world of nouns and verbs unfit
for human consumption, well at least not kids
but its not just swearing, thats not it
His mysogyny, it knows no bounds
He turns ugly girl's smiles into deep-furrowed frowns
As he whistles the fitties and shouts 'munter' at hounds...
You might know him - Tk - he gets around

But I'm not here to complain or moan
about Tk's crass crudity or lack of repose
or his insistence on referring to his girlfriends as Ho's
this is more of an admission, a statement of woe

I'm a born and bred liberal, left wing through and through
I'm right behind feminists and the gay movement too
But I've got this dark secret and I'm not proud its true
Its getting me down, its making me blue

At the back of my mind in its darkest recess
there's a tiny wee man that I usually suppress
My other demons don't like him, he keeps calling them gay
You guessed it, its him, its my inner Tk

He sits there smirking at the back of my brain
Making grubby innuendos at the things people say
And if I've got an interview, or if I'm supposed to sign on
He takes me up to my room and starts feeding me bongs
No scenario's safe, he always a risk
He pops up on first dates to shout 'show us your tits'
And should I get as far as meeting her Ma and Father
Trust Tk to show shouting lager, lager, lager
And when he's got me pisswaying like a punch-drunken boxer
He takes me up to her Mum and goes 'Oi you're a fox yeah'
And her Dad doesn't like it, he's not looking best pleased
Tk takes this as an opportunity to tease
So her Dad's on the warpath, he's looking to slap me
Tk gets my cock out going 'COME ON THEN FATTY!'

When will this be over? When will it all stop?
Am I doomed to this life of binge-drinking, pot
And severe foot-in-mouth, is this really my lot?
I have words with him nightly: Tk, please just sod off!

But he lives in my head, there's no escaping this plague
I wish I could grow up and start acting my age
Although he's part of myself - who I love - I must say
I wish I wasn't ruled by my inner Tk.

I swallowed a tampon
Not a bumper tampon you must understand
Not a jumbo lumbering gargantuan tampon
Not even a big tampon but a Barbie tampon
A nano-tampon, a marvel in liliputian absorbtion
A modicum of tampon a taster of tampon
To be frank it was a titch of a tampon
But this is now that was then
is it one inch or ten?
Will it distend in the end
until it can’t turn a bend
and hole up in my digestive tract?
Will it escape me one morning
And I’ll find it absorbing
fine wines with crunchy sun pat
I doubt that but I worry
I could start craving McFlurrys
Or the colonel’s own fajita wraps
Like an insistent infant
It might demand that this instant
I fill it with fillet of cat
Is infinitely intestinal
Will it be there for keeps
Does it want choco muesli or tatties and nips
Because I’m feeling strange feelings now really and truly
All warm and maternal I think its called broody
I’m wanting to nurture, to ready my nest
Whatever it takes I’ll give it my best
I’ll take folic acid, get plenty of rest
I’m not giving up fags but I’ll drink slightly less

Now I wonder…
How long’s the gestation for an aid to sanitation
I hear water-births are good but I fear hyper-inflation
Should I apply to the council for birth certification
Or will they whisk him away for some dark experimentation

These puzzles and problems to solve are not easy
For the single parent-to-be of a whole new species
But let us not linger on events now long past
three years ago Saturday he dropped from my arse

He popped out fully formed with a step full of spring,
Flowing cape woven of finest blue string
Pants worn freely on top of his tights
Ready for action, to fight the good fight
And to mop up any blood without mercy on sight

So off he flew tampon boy, absorber of evil
Ready to soak up the snakes and the weasels
The rats and the scumbags, the bad mean and dark
He thought that Zimbabwe might make a good start
Then on to guantanamo, Afghanistan, Iraq
Twice round Gaza, no walk in the park

But soon he was back with eyes wet and teary
Poring his heart out to his old dad,me
His edges are all fluffy, there’s whisky on his breath
He’s struggling with words trying to get it off his chest
No tampon on earth dad can clear up this mess
I say go to bed son, lie down, get some rest
Next morning he’s gone, disappeared, flown the nest

And he was in and out of care, on probation, in borstal
Last time I saw him he was living in a hostel
Track marks up his arms, eyes dark sunken portals
What hope for us now? What hope for us mortals?

But there is hope now yet here, do not worry or get windy
I have swallowed four more tampons suited only to Cindy
I have three names already, maxi, midi and mini
The fourth’s undecided between Tammy and Lily
With four tampon heroes to fight the good fight
Surely the dark must succumb to the light
Because good always wins in the end, am I right?
Well if you lot believe that you’ll believe any old shite.

Welcome to the fastest growing social network site in the world
Welcome to having a burning sheep thrown at you by your primary school bully
Welcome to happy pills and facebook chat
Poker and Scrabble and lil’ green patches
All rolled up in edited snatches
of other people’s experiences

Welcome to pictures of friends
Welcome to pictures of friends of friends
Welcome to pictures of you on other friend’s pages
That friends of your friend’s friends are welcome to see
Welcome to pictures of your ex-girlfriend
Welcome to pictures of your ex-girlfriend with her new boyfriend
Welcome to the realisation that a relationship is truly over
when you click that drop-down menu and select ‘single’
Save changes?

Welcome to a message telling you you'll die at 12 noon today
if you don’t pass it on to 10 friends
Welcome to realizing that if you do pass it on to 10 friends now
they’ll only have 3 minutes to avert their own demise
Welcome to friends you don’t really know
Welcome to testing killer message on said friends you don’t really know
because you don't honestly care whether they live or die
Welcome to accounts being deleted and RIP wallposts
Welcome to invitations to groups 'in memory of...'
Welcome to guilt
Welcome to talking to Jesus on Facebook chat
He was over from Mexico last year and he’s talking about a second coming
But that’s only because his grammar is bad

Welcome to countless stupid applications
Designed explicitly for procrastination
Do you think you know more about films than me?
And here is a Mai-Tai for you, from Steve
Are you in my gang? Are you a Pirate or Ninja?
Come have a go on my truth or dare spinner!
Answer my pop quiz! Then do this IQ test!
Join this group here that says Heinz beans are the best!

And poke me. Oh god poke me. Oh somebody superpoke me!

Poke me when I’m lonely in the middle of the night
Poke me in the morning with a chemical airstrike
Poke me in my fun space or behind my superwall
Poke me then elope with me, invite me to the ball

Torch my car or steal my bike
Do whatever the poke you like
Flick my switch or fly my kite
You can waste your life however you like
Get tangled up in new-fangled rituals
Drink your drink that consists of pixels
Find new friends and wish ‘em merry Christmas
(Even though it’s January!!! LOL, Embarassed Face, Soz)
Play Rocket Man, Tetris or Bluds V Crips
List your status as ‘has had his Weetabix’
Even though the third person makes you sound like a prick

And poke me. Oh god poke me. Oh somebody superpoke me!

Make me some cocoa or a cup of tea
Throw a shoe at Bush with me
Feed my fish or plant me a seed
Slap me, Tickle me, fill my live feed!
With congratulations, commiserations
Defenestrations and notifications
Join me now and forever more
In endless virtual masturbation.